Who am I?

Am I a jerk? A whiner? A drifter? Too many times I'm alone, full of questions. Everyone goes through a period of self-discovery at some point in their lives. According to my psychology textbook, this question is raised at Stage Five: Identity vs. Role Confusion. Yay! Progress. Anyway, in a world without brutal honesty, people are too kind tell you the truth of what they think of you. What are your faults? How can you know when you're bothering somebody? Today in lunch, for example, Josh, Killian, Brian, James and I were busy talking about Halo2, and Sarah got up and left. Immediately, Josh comments on how he feels bad she left because we were talking about Halo and she felt left out, b/c that's all we talk about. I mean, we all agreed it's understandable when all of us are together that we're going to talk about halo. Sarah used to play all the time, too, just like us, until she got tons of work. Well, I didn't think she left because of us. She said, "it's not because of you guys," as she was leaving when Josh inquired. I thought something else was on her mind, and said as much. Killian got up and talked to her for ten minutes and eventually they returned, and she admitted, to James' inquiry, that she left because we were talking about halo. So...yeah. I was shocked that I was so wrong about somebody. I thought I could pick up on stuff like that, even though I hadn't been paying much attention. And I was wrong because I got mixed messages; she said it wasn't because of us, when it actually was. Girls! Anyway, recently I've been unsure how people in my suite thought about me. I've recently concluded that I'm annoying, at least sometimes. I went into Josh and Brian's room when he was signing on and told Brian that if they were playing, I wanted to play. Then, since I had nothing to do, I went in the living room and played a practice game. Point is, they ended up playing and didn't tell me, even though they knew I was playing: hint 1. Hint 2: they both adjusted their settings so that it says they're offline even when they're not, and they did this since last night, so most likely it was just before I signed on. As in the past, if I said, "oh, you're on...send me an invite," they would either say, "ok" or "actually we were just playing this one game then signing off." The chance that they like me is getting slim after I take these into account. It makes me sad, because I would change my behavior if I knew what it was I was doing. Maybe, I'm just paranoid. The world doesn't revolve around me, I know this, but it does seem like they're taking extra measures to avoid playing with me. One thing I know that bothers them is I state what's on my mind; if something in particular is bothering me, I state it, except for this, because I've already brought it up and they more or less just told me I'm paranoid. It's annoying rooming with these guys because they don't say what's bugging them. Oh yeah, and housing for next semester...Josh and Brian are going w/ a bunch of people besides me and I was never told. So, I'm filled with questions of whether they don't like me, or whether they just prefer other people more and there's no room for me. I have no idea what I'm doing for housing next semester and neither do Nick or Mark. At least they invited me to live w/ them...but since they're in dire need of more people to get a housing situation, that's not saying much. My conclusion is that either I'm unpleasant to live with or I'm paranoid. I thought I was friendly, but this new evidence suggests I'm not. Come to think of it, I have been making fun of people more lately, though in jest, and perhaps people really are offended when I make fun of trivial things like their music choice, desire for sleep, number of recent blog posts, buddy icon, buddy list, and such. Maybe they'll tell me. Maybe not. From all this, what do I do? I can accept it or I can change, right? If I am a jerk, or I have been recently, I apologize. If I've been conceited, or gloomy, or unsocial, or what have you, I apologize. For all that is socially unpreferable, I apologize. I'm out here to be the best person I can be, and the best way to do that is with some help: a little nudge in the right direction. If I follow this guideline, I can only become a better person than what I am. I can't wait to find out who I will become and what traits I will develop. I'm working on socializing and speaking up for mysellf, as a change from my antisocial, closet tendency I have sometimes. I should go out and party with some friendly drunkards, right? Wouldn't that be a step in the right direction? I can't wait for intramural soccer to start up again after break! That, at least, should get me doing something with new people. I got talking with James after Economics class at 7. I was waiting with Maggie to go to the gym, who was waiting for Mari (who has a sweet hat) and Brian (who goes to...the gym??), when he came through the door in a vein attempt to sign the attendance sheet for the class he just skipped, except it let out early. He's a very interesting person: funny, friendly, hyper and talkative as hell. He kinda reminds me of Fricano in that respect, though I didn't come to that realization until today. He was telling me about Basic Training, and some fight stories he had, and some terrible stories I wish I'd never heard. I was intrigued partly because what he said was funny and interesting, and partly because I was wondering what it would be like if I joined that world. What better way to get some stories out of your life while avoiding real life, right? I mean, I'll certainly be more mature and wiser in a couple years (I'd be 20!), like he is, so maybe basic training wouldn't be all that bad. I didn't say this, but I definitely changed my mind after hearing what he said about it. Anyways, talking to him is always a fun time. I'm always glad when I find new fun friends to hang out with; they're out there, but it's tough to find them and start talking w/ them. I mean, in a given classroom, there's probably at least one other person you find friendly and interesting, but will never end up being friends with because they sit on the other side of the classroom, or are part of a different social group. Whatever. Such is life. I conclude writing this, not because I'm done thinking of things to say, but because I should socialize or go to sleep. I wonder if I'm supposed to post things this open on a blog? I have no qualms writing about it, and perhaps somebody reading this can relate to it. Maybe it can help somebody, or comfort somebody. It was good writing it down as it flowed. At least this is the one blog entry I'm absolutely sure nobody will comment on. It seems, the more personal something is, the less inclined people are to respond to it. Maybe they feel like they shouldn't be reading it. Whatever. Do as you will, and thank you for reading. Peace out: friends, acquaintances, strangers, and the void.