Waste of Space
Long ago was termed the phrase, "waste of space," but sometimes I just feel that way. Like when I woke up today, at 9:30pm. Yes, I used to go to bed at that time, in elementary, but the fact that the day should be over with in a few hours and I should be back to sleep makes me sad. Most preferable would be if I woke up at noon, but since I was up being a crack addict all night, I didn't get to bed until 6am. I briefly wondered if anyone else in the suite noticed I hadn't been up all day, but noone makes any effort here to see what is up with their neighbor, so that thought ended quickly enough. I feel a need to accomplish things each day, and when I'm waking up at bedtime, instead of the morning, (or even early afternoon), it's tough to acknowledge that today can be useful in any way. It's never a pleasant day when just the fact that you're waking up (late) makes you feel bad. Yet still deep inside me there are brief thoughts that somehow this day can be salvaged, and as anyone knows, the only way to make good a day gone useless is to do something productive. So I went ahead and did that, I went down to Ade Express, the minimart/everything-fast-food restaurant nearest me, and purchased myself a buffalo chicken wrap. As everyone should know, the buffalo chicken wrap is the most highly praised of foods I have yet consumed. It is not only a pleasure to eat, but it raises my spirits and makes me feel good about life. I am always happier after I eat one. Perhaps their secret ingredient is happiness juice, or maybe it's just the right combinations of jalepeno wrap, chicken, lettuce, tomato, banana peppers, olives?, mozarella, ranch and extra hot sauce. But as always, the hot sauce makes my face burn, and the pain of hotness is awesome, and I hadn't bought myself a drink. So I headed upstairs to the dining hall, which was closed, and stole myself a glass of lemonade and an orange. Yes, it felt extra good to not swipe in and get those items. It's like stealing something useless that you know will go to waste, yet also know the managers would want you to swipe in for. It's like protesting the system where colleges force you to buy a very overpriced meal-plan in order to attend the college. I wouldn't buy a meal plan, but for the fact that it's mandatory. The food sucks at Alfred, because there is no competition to keep the food decent there. Sure there are restaurants on main street a mile away, but the evil Alfredian Empire has already taken your money and charged those thousands of dollars to your Visa. Every semester, maybe 100 people on campus make full use of their meal plan, and everyone else has dozens of meals left unused yet paid for. The food service feels justified because they can always say it was the option of the student not to eat all the meals, and the students feel justified...because it was their parents money? No, the students all complain that the system is a rip-off.
Anyways, I've been having dreams again. One night I had a dream where I was in my aunt bon's field wandering around, and then I saw Marvin the Martian wandering, and I pointed and yelled at him. Discovered, Marvin the Martian fled, and I chased him for a while. Then he somehow turned into a pack of ferocious wolves that tried to kill me, so I had to kill them with my bare hands. It was quite brutal; one wolf was biting my arm and I pulled back on its jaw hard enough to break its jaw, and then I broke some legs. I then felt bad having brutally and mortally wounded all these wolves, as they sat around wimpering. I had some other dreams, I should have blogged them, but I no longer remember them. When I woke up a few hours ago, I had this weird dream too. My mom was sitting in our house on the couch, but she had gained a hundred pounds, due to stress related stuff I guess, and she felt suicidal. My parents had completely redone my room and while rumaging my trash had found the dildo package I have here in my dorm (because dildos are a fun thing to have!). Then I was getting something for my mom in her room, because she was too fat to get it herself, and I found all these books on gays and lesbians, and I concluded that my mom thought I was gay because of the dildo or the lack of girlfriends or something, and she had read all these books on it, yet had never mentioned anything about it to me. I had relatively no emotion besides, "jeez, crap, wow" at their silent concern, but at the same time thought about what I meant to them, and how much they probably care about me, since they have nothing better to do with their time. I never really talk to my parents, or think about them that much; they stay out of my life and I stay out of mine. I've had bouts where I hated them and whenever that happens I try to block them out of my life. I always do that, in that once I get furious with someone, I stop talking with them, like some sort of protest against them. I suppose it's immature. I should talk to them about why I'm upset and how to change it, but to me, everyone is who they are, and people don't change--it's useless to try to change them. So, recognizing there is nothing I can do, I try to block them out. Usually this wears off after a couple years, and then I'll forgive them and try to be friends with them again, but often even after I've forgiven them, I've lost contact with them, and it's hard to regain a place in their lives. But anyway, this dream then took a turn for Wegmans, and I was wandering around in the aisles, when I saw keith and his dad, each with shopping carts filled with a dozen well-packaged boxes. Mr. Rose was wearing a bright green jacket and earrings, and dress pants, and keith was also wearing a woman's suit I guess, and maybe some high heeled shoes, and lots of makeup. Apparently they were out for the day having fun masked as ladies, and they were both really hyper with their shopping carts running down the aisle. I don't think they wanted to be seen, so they had dressed themselves as women and were pretending to be women, and when I saw them and said "what are you doing?!" keith gave some incoherent answer and pretended not to know me. I apologize for picturing keith and his dad in women's clothing and dressed as a woman, but I dreamt it for some reason, and I thought it odd, and now I'm posting it for all the world to read! Hahahaha! Now thousands of people will think you're crazy!
Anyways, now I'm feeling a bit better, because I'm listening to my favorite techno songs, which always uplift my spirit, make me feel motivated, and even make me think about life in a new perspective sometimes. So now I'm up for talking about the test in psyche I took yesterday. After missing the class wednesday because I had slept through my alarm, I asked keith's roommate what I missed. He said I'd missed some note-taking that was in the book, and that there was a test friday. Thursday I had class off, then Friday came and I asked him once more if it was a test or just a quiz, and it was a test. The test was on the readings, and I haven't even gotten my textbook in the mail yet, so I thought I'd borrow it from keith's roommate, Brian. I talked to him online and he said he wasn't done using it, and the way it was worded, I took it as him saying that he didn't want me borrowing it. So I was like, "ok, it's not your problem, I don't even know you and here I am asking to borrow your textbook the night before a test." Then I was thinking how I need that book to study and I need to do well on this test, so I asked again and this time he said "sure, I'll tell you when I'm done with it." So after watching Napolean Dynamite (an amazing movie) with the suite, I went down at 11pm. I was talking with keith a bit and reading a bit, until I fell asleep reading. I was tired because as from Wednesday at 7pm until Thursday at 7pm I was playing Halo2, and now it was 12am that night. Thus, I hadn't slept at all. So I was skimming and reading, and all was going well until suddenly I just "hit the wall" and passed out while reading. I woke up 20 minutes later and said to keith that I would take a nap because I had been sleeping, and keith hadn't even noticed I hadn't been reading this whole time. So I slept for an hour or so on keith's bed, woke up still tired as hell, and decided I couldn't read anymore, so I went back to my bed in my suite after having only read 25 of the 50 pages. I figured, it wasn't worth killing myself over some reading that I probably already knew. But on test day the next morning, I woke up decently refreshed, and sat down for the test. It was all multiple choice and true/false, so I couldn't have dreamt it could be a challenge, but the questions he asked were all on the last 25 pages of reading, so I didn't know a lot of it. This was possibly the first test I had taken, multiple-choice style, that I couldn't just rule out answers. But I took the test using as much common sense as I could. I just checked my grade and I got a 49, which is below the class average by 19 points. So...yeah, I didn't do well, to put it nicely, but even the kids who studied and read the text didn't do well either. A class average of a D- isn't saying much about the class. So, since I did bad on the first test of the year, I haven't been feeling great. I blame it on the fact that I haven't received my textbook in the mail yet, and that no teacher, under any circumstances should have a test after the first 6 days of class. I mean, days one and two back from break should always be complete wastes of time and introductions back to school. Basically, the test was on stuff I'd never heard of, and details in the reading, like, "who brought in this or that style of psychology." But it's over with. From now on I'll have my textbook, and I'll do the readings and do well on all the future tests, and I'll talk to my professor, and there's even some extra credit I can do, so I will be fine. I guess something inside me just likes to rise to a challenge; Psyche would be an easy A, but try getting and A after you bomb a test! So yeah, I bombed a test to make getting an A harder. I do that in a lot of things I do. Like in lots of Halo games or raquetball games, I start out doing horrible, then come back and kick ass. Yesterday in Halo2, for example, I got duffed then walked off the edge, thus comitting suicide, in the first two minutes of the game to start of 0-2 in the kills to deaths ratio. I said to my team, "ok, I'm gunna start doing better guys, I promise." Then I came back and went 19-3. I think coming back from a loss is just more exciting, or maybe I get far more determined when loss is near. Yes, when I'm about to lose, I go all out at the end, giving it my best effort. In the mile for example, I would run the mile or 3.1 miles or whatever, and the last 100 meters or whatever I would sprint for all my worth to get that final awesome time. It just feels good when the race is almost over and you pass several kids who had lead you the whole way. It lends a smile to my face, when they think they've won and then I win instead at the very end. And now, I realize that I would be doing laundry, because I'm in a laundry accomplishing mood, but my laundry card is on the roof. Crap! Keith started blogging this week and his blog is http://apologuesondemand.blogspot.com/, so that will be one more thing I'll keep tabs on. I think I'm going to go public with this blog, allowing those hundreds and hundreds of blog surfers access to my secret site of secretness. I've gotten an abundance of traffic (like 30 people) in the last few days, probably do to some commenting on other blogs. So let's experiment and see if I get more traffic. Something I'm interested in is whether people are actually reading each article, or just seeing the title and moving one. My stat counter has a problem in that if you don't reload my blog, it says you were here for less than a second, even though you could have been reading for hours. So perhaps I will do something about that. So, goodbye world of the private blog. I might miss you. I'm entering a new world where anybody can stumble across my blog. Great uncertainty of Neptune! As always, keep me posted.
Anyways, I've been having dreams again. One night I had a dream where I was in my aunt bon's field wandering around, and then I saw Marvin the Martian wandering, and I pointed and yelled at him. Discovered, Marvin the Martian fled, and I chased him for a while. Then he somehow turned into a pack of ferocious wolves that tried to kill me, so I had to kill them with my bare hands. It was quite brutal; one wolf was biting my arm and I pulled back on its jaw hard enough to break its jaw, and then I broke some legs. I then felt bad having brutally and mortally wounded all these wolves, as they sat around wimpering. I had some other dreams, I should have blogged them, but I no longer remember them. When I woke up a few hours ago, I had this weird dream too. My mom was sitting in our house on the couch, but she had gained a hundred pounds, due to stress related stuff I guess, and she felt suicidal. My parents had completely redone my room and while rumaging my trash had found the dildo package I have here in my dorm (because dildos are a fun thing to have!). Then I was getting something for my mom in her room, because she was too fat to get it herself, and I found all these books on gays and lesbians, and I concluded that my mom thought I was gay because of the dildo or the lack of girlfriends or something, and she had read all these books on it, yet had never mentioned anything about it to me. I had relatively no emotion besides, "jeez, crap, wow" at their silent concern, but at the same time thought about what I meant to them, and how much they probably care about me, since they have nothing better to do with their time. I never really talk to my parents, or think about them that much; they stay out of my life and I stay out of mine. I've had bouts where I hated them and whenever that happens I try to block them out of my life. I always do that, in that once I get furious with someone, I stop talking with them, like some sort of protest against them. I suppose it's immature. I should talk to them about why I'm upset and how to change it, but to me, everyone is who they are, and people don't change--it's useless to try to change them. So, recognizing there is nothing I can do, I try to block them out. Usually this wears off after a couple years, and then I'll forgive them and try to be friends with them again, but often even after I've forgiven them, I've lost contact with them, and it's hard to regain a place in their lives. But anyway, this dream then took a turn for Wegmans, and I was wandering around in the aisles, when I saw keith and his dad, each with shopping carts filled with a dozen well-packaged boxes. Mr. Rose was wearing a bright green jacket and earrings, and dress pants, and keith was also wearing a woman's suit I guess, and maybe some high heeled shoes, and lots of makeup. Apparently they were out for the day having fun masked as ladies, and they were both really hyper with their shopping carts running down the aisle. I don't think they wanted to be seen, so they had dressed themselves as women and were pretending to be women, and when I saw them and said "what are you doing?!" keith gave some incoherent answer and pretended not to know me. I apologize for picturing keith and his dad in women's clothing and dressed as a woman, but I dreamt it for some reason, and I thought it odd, and now I'm posting it for all the world to read! Hahahaha! Now thousands of people will think you're crazy!
Anyways, now I'm feeling a bit better, because I'm listening to my favorite techno songs, which always uplift my spirit, make me feel motivated, and even make me think about life in a new perspective sometimes. So now I'm up for talking about the test in psyche I took yesterday. After missing the class wednesday because I had slept through my alarm, I asked keith's roommate what I missed. He said I'd missed some note-taking that was in the book, and that there was a test friday. Thursday I had class off, then Friday came and I asked him once more if it was a test or just a quiz, and it was a test. The test was on the readings, and I haven't even gotten my textbook in the mail yet, so I thought I'd borrow it from keith's roommate, Brian. I talked to him online and he said he wasn't done using it, and the way it was worded, I took it as him saying that he didn't want me borrowing it. So I was like, "ok, it's not your problem, I don't even know you and here I am asking to borrow your textbook the night before a test." Then I was thinking how I need that book to study and I need to do well on this test, so I asked again and this time he said "sure, I'll tell you when I'm done with it." So after watching Napolean Dynamite (an amazing movie) with the suite, I went down at 11pm. I was talking with keith a bit and reading a bit, until I fell asleep reading. I was tired because as from Wednesday at 7pm until Thursday at 7pm I was playing Halo2, and now it was 12am that night. Thus, I hadn't slept at all. So I was skimming and reading, and all was going well until suddenly I just "hit the wall" and passed out while reading. I woke up 20 minutes later and said to keith that I would take a nap because I had been sleeping, and keith hadn't even noticed I hadn't been reading this whole time. So I slept for an hour or so on keith's bed, woke up still tired as hell, and decided I couldn't read anymore, so I went back to my bed in my suite after having only read 25 of the 50 pages. I figured, it wasn't worth killing myself over some reading that I probably already knew. But on test day the next morning, I woke up decently refreshed, and sat down for the test. It was all multiple choice and true/false, so I couldn't have dreamt it could be a challenge, but the questions he asked were all on the last 25 pages of reading, so I didn't know a lot of it. This was possibly the first test I had taken, multiple-choice style, that I couldn't just rule out answers. But I took the test using as much common sense as I could. I just checked my grade and I got a 49, which is below the class average by 19 points. So...yeah, I didn't do well, to put it nicely, but even the kids who studied and read the text didn't do well either. A class average of a D- isn't saying much about the class. So, since I did bad on the first test of the year, I haven't been feeling great. I blame it on the fact that I haven't received my textbook in the mail yet, and that no teacher, under any circumstances should have a test after the first 6 days of class. I mean, days one and two back from break should always be complete wastes of time and introductions back to school. Basically, the test was on stuff I'd never heard of, and details in the reading, like, "who brought in this or that style of psychology." But it's over with. From now on I'll have my textbook, and I'll do the readings and do well on all the future tests, and I'll talk to my professor, and there's even some extra credit I can do, so I will be fine. I guess something inside me just likes to rise to a challenge; Psyche would be an easy A, but try getting and A after you bomb a test! So yeah, I bombed a test to make getting an A harder. I do that in a lot of things I do. Like in lots of Halo games or raquetball games, I start out doing horrible, then come back and kick ass. Yesterday in Halo2, for example, I got duffed then walked off the edge, thus comitting suicide, in the first two minutes of the game to start of 0-2 in the kills to deaths ratio. I said to my team, "ok, I'm gunna start doing better guys, I promise." Then I came back and went 19-3. I think coming back from a loss is just more exciting, or maybe I get far more determined when loss is near. Yes, when I'm about to lose, I go all out at the end, giving it my best effort. In the mile for example, I would run the mile or 3.1 miles or whatever, and the last 100 meters or whatever I would sprint for all my worth to get that final awesome time. It just feels good when the race is almost over and you pass several kids who had lead you the whole way. It lends a smile to my face, when they think they've won and then I win instead at the very end. And now, I realize that I would be doing laundry, because I'm in a laundry accomplishing mood, but my laundry card is on the roof. Crap! Keith started blogging this week and his blog is http://apologuesondemand.blogspot.com/, so that will be one more thing I'll keep tabs on. I think I'm going to go public with this blog, allowing those hundreds and hundreds of blog surfers access to my secret site of secretness. I've gotten an abundance of traffic (like 30 people) in the last few days, probably do to some commenting on other blogs. So let's experiment and see if I get more traffic. Something I'm interested in is whether people are actually reading each article, or just seeing the title and moving one. My stat counter has a problem in that if you don't reload my blog, it says you were here for less than a second, even though you could have been reading for hours. So perhaps I will do something about that. So, goodbye world of the private blog. I might miss you. I'm entering a new world where anybody can stumble across my blog. Great uncertainty of Neptune! As always, keep me posted.
posted by Casey at 1:10 AM
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