Not asleep yet--story time!

Crap crap friggin crap! I'm not asleep. Things have not gone according to plan. I saw Ocean's Eleven for the first time, which I highly approve of, but it took me about an hour to be able to play a movie on my stupid-ass computer. That's right: it has a stupid ass. I don't know where it is...but it's there. It hasn't been this stupid before, so maybe it was just having a bad day. If it happens again though, I will have no sympathy and this thing is going out the window. Not my window, b/c that would cause damages that I would have to pay for. It would probably go out the common area window, the one on the far right because it has easy access. I have a test class tomorrow at 5pm that I'll probably forget about, and karate and lifting and a math test to study for, plus I have physics in the morning that will be tough to wake up for. I'm still not tired at all. Not even in the teensiest way. Oh bother...nothing to do. I need some tranquilizers, so I should probably visit a zoo sometime in the near future. I know! I'll write a story without any planning at all!
Once there was a man...Yes. He was male. He had a penis and everything. Okay, so this guy, his name was Alfonzo, decided one day to take a trip to his car. So he walked out of his bathroom and opened up the front door to go to his paved driveway. Oh no! His car was gone! "Dude, where's my car?" Alfonzo exclaimed. "Dude, where's your pants?" inquired Elisha, a ghetto-ed-up drug dealer pushing on the corner several yards away. He soon realized that he wasn't wearing pants, but this was no time for details in what he was or wasn't wearing; he had to find his car! At this time, a panda bear pranced down the street as a tight rope walker tripped and fell (completely unacceptable). He of course knew it was a tight rope walker because his name was Jeff and he was best pals with Alfonzo, the milk man. Anyways, Alfonzo had a car to find. Plus, he was late for work so he grabbed the nearest Milk Truck and began his route, placing milk on people's doorsteps, getting invited into desperate housewives homes for some catching up and some sex, and eliminating dogs that chased him using a catapult he carried with him. Soon enough, he stumbled upon what appeared to be his truck and made off with it. He had forgotten his license plate number, but the color was right, so he could only assume it was his. However, this car wasn't his. It wasn't even a car, it was a boxcar made by some local children named Nick. Yes--all the children were named Nick in this neighborhood. Anyways, soon he arrived at the bottom of the hill and couldn't go any further so he pushed it to the nearest gas station. He pushed up to the service pump and a guy came out with a puzzled look on his face. "Are you serious? This car doesn't run on gas!" explained the service pump man, Ooglebundle. "Now you listen to me," shouted Alfonzo. "Don't go telling me you're not going to fill up my car just because it "doesn't have a tank"(he used quotey fingers to stress his point). I want that car full of gas NOW!" Ooglebundle didn't like his tone of voice, plus he was already angry because he'd just lost his favorite issue of Time Magazine, so this pushed him over the edge. "I'm not going to fill up your boxcar full of gas! Where will I put it? In where you sit down?" Alfonzo wasn't one to take crap and he flipped out. "How dare you call my car a boxcar! Just because I'm not wealthy or handsome looking like you doesn't mean you can insult my belongings and not give me service. I'm calling my lawyer," he bluffed as he pulled out a switchblade. "Take this!" Ooglebundle grabbed the pump, pulled the trigger to release some high pressured gasoline upon the unwary Alfonzo, then breathed fire out of his mouth, ingniting the gasoline into a giant spray of fire. Luckily, Alfonzo was used to this kind of thing and leaned forward, using his super heat-absorbent head to soak up the blast. Ooglebundle was outraged and turned into a giant dragon with purple wings and flew away. Alfonzo was hot-headed after this exchange of events, and wasn't going to cool-down any time soon. He decided to take out his aggression on a five-year old girl named Linda--he took away her lolly pop! This made Linda cry and Alfonzo didn't deal well with cry babies, so he ate her. Linda's mother was nearby and witnessed the whole thing. She was delighted. "You ate my child! Let's celebrate!" So Linda cordially invited Alfonzo to her home where they told stories and had a grand time. They became best friends for many years after that, and they even moved in together, until one day Linda killed Alfonzo because he left the toilet seat up one too many times. That was the end of him. Linda then became a disc jockey traveling from club to club bringing her new style of music to the music scene. We would later know Linda as Linda the Soft, but that's another story.