How Are You?

Whenever someone used to ask me the question, "how are you?" I never used to give it any thought. I would always respond I was good or great or never been better. I was just trained that those were the propper responses to give someone. Whenever someone was told I was good, they were satisfied and it made them happier. If I responded that I felt like crap and hated life, that wouldn't make them feel very good. They would probably follow up their question with more questions like "why?" or "what's wrong?" and then I would either be forced to talk about how much my life sucks, which would only bore them more, or tell them I didn't want to talk about it. Since I didn't want to talk about it, I told them I was fine. Even if they care, there's nothing they can do to help, especially since I wouldn't let them. After all, I know everything I need to do. I know how to fix my problems, I just can't bring myself to do them, which is why I'm only dooming myself. I keep thinking this semester is a nightmare but it just won't end. Why do I hate this semester? There are so many reasons. It's just a series of things that have gone awry based on character flaws of my own. I don't do well in a non-structured environment. I don't do well when things are going on all the time. I don't do well going off and doing things on my own. I learn best in groups, but I'm not good at meeting people so I'm stuck with the people in my suite. And they don't want to help me, they'd rather work alone. People like Maggie give reason's like, "maybe if you were in class you'd understand," and then laugh and not explain or answer my question. I think I'm giving up on math and physics, I'm just going to fail those classes. I feel like I've felt them already and even if I wrench my heart stressing over this stuff, I'm not going to learn it enough to pass. And even if somehow I break out with a D, a D won't transfer to another school so it's just a waste of a class anyway. The only benefit passing with a D would give is that it would be a 1 instead of a 0 on my gpa. Seems to me, if you take away all things that a person is good at, he's not going to enjoy life. It's almost like the only difference between enjoying my stay here and not enjoying it is a couple letter grades. If I had A's, I would be having a blast and actually like it here. But that's not the case. This would be a good time when I would love to just hug my dog for hours. So from now on, I've gone so far down hill from where I was a couple years ago, that when someone asks how I am, I'm just going to tell them life sucks. Then I'll at least be telling the truth, even if it compensates the fact that they won't be pleased with my answer. So now I'll have to deal with telling my parents I sucked out at school and failed a bunch of classes even though I keep getting told to break my back for the last stretch and manage whatever I can. "You can at least get a 2.0 can't you?" Yeah, I get questions like that. So how am I? I feel like shit and I'm stressed to the max and I feel like life's been sucked out of me. At least I can take a little bit of comfort knowing that life can't get any worse than this. I'm at the lowest point in my life, and things can only go up from here. I learned that from trying to sell shares of stock, that had only gone down in value steadily for a course of several months, for a presentation in economics. Taking all these math science courses sucks. Throughout school I was good at everything, but I always knew I was worst at math and particularly science. Yet here I am, a major in ceramic engineering taking nothing but math and science courses that don't interest me in the least and I can't learn the material. Plus my sleep schedule is fucked up the ass so that takes away the part where I go to all my classes and know what's going on. Hmm. I wonder if I should go to FLCC next year. I definitely need everything to change if I'm going to get my grades back under control again. School makes me not want to go to school. So now that I'm all pumped up for school, I better go read my textbook for that math test I have tomorrow.